


Pieces

by AkitoAnemone



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, angsty, asexual Haru, sorry it'll get better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-09
Updated: 2014-08-27
Packaged: 2018-01-18 17:41:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1437055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkitoAnemone/pseuds/AkitoAnemone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haru's confused, and Makoto can't read him. They're both a little hurt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“You can’t be serious. I thought for sure…”

Makoto sat back, his whole body looking like he wanted to leave, and Haruka could do nothing.

“It’s...I’m just…” Haru stumbled like he never had around the other boy, and it was only this that Makoto couldn’t read in him. Or rather, Makoto had read him correctly, so incredibly correctly, but he couldn’t understand why Haru had to hurt him. “It’s really not you. I just can’t.”

And Makoto had to smile at Haru’s shortness with him. Haru looked up and wanted to throw himself as far away as he could, because Makoto just had to smile. “Right. No I’m sorry for assuming.”

Don’t apologize, Haru wanted to scream, but he clenched his fists and put his head back down.

The room was too warm, and the clock in the corner was ticking, filling the ringing silence with a noise too loud. Haru had been half asleep after finishing his assignment, while Makoto was still working on his, and then Makoto had called his name, and Haru heard the difference in the tone and he wanted to run.

He ended up in his nightmare. Makoto had confessed, slowly and carefully, but with enough confidence that said he’d been waiting and watching for a while, and Haru wanted with all his heart to accept, but he couldn’t do that.

He couldn’t be that selfish, so he hid.

“Do you want me to leave?”

No. “If you want to. You don’t...you never have to.” His head was down, in his arms, so Makoto couldn’t see he was struggling to keep everything in. Of his list of things Haru never wanted to have to deal with, this was at the top. He’d had nightmares about this day since he’d first realized who he was.

“Maybe it would be better if I did.” Haru lifted his head just in time to see that smile, sadder than it had ever been, but Makoto was already turning away and didn’t see how pained Haru looked, or his teary eyes. “We both need a little time, right, Haru?”

They could have talked it out. Haru could have opened up. As he could hear Makoto putting his shoes on, he considered it. Running out to him, grabbing his sleeve, pulling him down and explaining everything. It would be that easy, and Makoto would understand.

But it couldn’t be done. Haru was held to the floor by such gravity that he couldn’t even breathe out a good-bye to his friend as he left the house, and he knew things would be different.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two or three years in the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For whatever reason, this chapter just wouldn't happen. I rewrote it five or six times, so apologies on the mess. Also, this fic is going to be on kind of a messy time-line.

Makoto was the first of the group to get a girlfriend. Her name was Kaya, and she was cute, and spunky, and when she confessed in their third year of high school, Makoto accepted. She was more active than Haru was in conversation, but she still listened to Makoto the way he needed to be listened to.

Everyone could see they were perfect.

Naturally, Haru disliked her.

At first, he tried. He really did. But it took him off guard when Nagisa ran up before practice yelling "Makoto's got a girlfriend!" and Makoto came in, red faced but smiling telling Nagisa to calm down.  Makoto had told him it was only one date, and that she was so nice, and of course since Makoto liked her, Haru had to at least try.

But one date turned into two, and two into more, and eventually every time Haru would go to Makoto's house, she would be there.

Kaya didn’t understand. From what Haru gathered, she knew he was Makoto’s best friend. Everyone knew that. But she tried to hard to make conversation, or to understand him.

“Why were you in the bath so long. Aren’t you all wrinkly?” She’d say with a laugh, or

“Wow, you really like water. Have you always been so into swimming?”

Haru would lay on Makoto’s bed and try to ignore her while Makoto would flit around like little bird making excuses for Haru’s silence, and it wasn't very long before he just couldn't do it. If he went to Makoto's house at all, it was only for a little bit, only for homework help. And in the mornings, Haru made sure to be out of the bath and ready to go, keeping Makoto's questions at bay with promise of breakfast. 

At least she didn’t eat lunch with them. That was the only time they had left, it seemed, since she usually joined them on their walk to school and their walk home. Of course, they weren’t entirely alone, as Nagisa and Rei sat with them, but even Nagisa was better than Kaya, Haru thought.

They didn’t show up one day, though, and it was more quiet than usual. Haru probably hadn’t said more than a few words to Makoto alone in the past few weeks just because he didn’t speak around Kaya, and it felt almost awkward.

“Maybe I should go invite her to eat with us?” Makoto said. Apparently their mind reading had been broken. “She’s nice company, isn’t she?”

Haru had tightened his grip on his bento. “I don’t like her.” It flew from his mouth before he could stop it, and though he was usually blunt, he knew some things were better left unsaid.

Makoto looked at Haru like he hadn’t noticed. Hadn’t noticed Haru’s silence the past few weeks, or that he’d been coming over less, walking ahead of him and not saying good-bye. And it hurt, sudden and sharp, and more than Haru had imagined it would when Makoto finally started to move away.

“But, I guess...I guess I don’t have to like her, right?” Haru handed the mostly-empty bento back to Makoto and stood up, brushing off his slacks. It was okay. It would be okay. As long as Makoto was happy, it was all okay. He repeated this to himself as he left the rooftop. Makoto didn’t follow, but as Haru left school altogether, he saw Makoto still on the roof, leaning against the rail.

A long soak was what Haru really needed. A long soak in the tub, and a long time to think about things. Most important of those things being why he really disliked Kaya.

She wasn’t very annoying, just curious. But she didn’t pry like Nagisa did. And it definitely wasn’t that she wasn’t good enough for Makoto. Anyone Makoto was happy with was good enough.

But she took up so much of his time. Time that was usually Haru’s. When Haru could be comfortable and open with himself, and time when he could just be alone with his best friend.

Honestly, Haru hadn’t really ever thought about Makoto getting a girlfriend or moving on. They were together, and that was how it was.

Something in the Back of Haru’s mind tickled him. Just a thought, tiny but intrusive, ringing louder and louder, and Haru did everything he could to push it back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not about Makoto and his girlfriend. She'll be gone soon. As always, thanks for reading~


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wasn't awkward, it was just a sort of tight feeling that Haru knew he wouldn't be able to resolve.

Haru could tell when it happened, just like he had been able to with Nagisa and Rei. One day they were normal, and the next they couldn't even look at each other without blushing and giggling. At first, the morning walk to school was fine. Makoto talked about homework, and that the twins missed him, but then Kaya met up with them and Haru saw.

“Oh, good morning,” Makoto said. It was his normal greeting, and usually from here on out, Haru ignored the couple. But he sounded different, so Haru looked back. The both of them were tomato red.

“Disgusting,” he said to himself. Though he wasn’t really disgusted. He knew it was going to happen eventually, and he knew it would just make that pit in his stomach larger when it did.

_They were fourteen when Makoto brought over a porn DVD. Makoto wasn't as naive as everyone thought, but still, he wasn't the type to knowingly watch that in the presence of his friend._

_“What is it?” They both stared at the copied disk Makoto held. It was plain and silver, only labeled with a #4. “Does it have water?”_

_Makoto shrugged. “Some guys in class told me to watch it._

_That was all Haru needed to know. “I’m going to do homework. You can watch it.”_

_So he put it in the player and sat on the couch, while haru sat on the floor hunched over his workbook. He wasn’t doing work, though, rather he would wait for Makoto’s reaction. If it was what the guys had  given him, he could probably expect some screaming and panicking followed by profuse apologies._

_Because Makoto was like Haru, he’d also be unaffected._

_Five minutes in, the action was just beginning and Haru could practically feel Makoto’s discomfort in the air. Another five minutes, and Makoto still hadn’t stopped it._

_Haru looked at the screen, which had nothing he was interested in, and then at his friend. Makoto was staring at it, wide eyed, his hand twitching towards…_

_“Makoto.”_

_“Huh?” His head snapped to look at Haru._

_“Was this what you were expecting them to give you?”_

_It was like a light went off in his head, like Makoto hadn’t even realized Haru was there. “Oh...oh my gosh,” he said, scrambling to turn off the TV and retrieve the disc. “Well, it’s not like we both haven’t seen it before, right?”_

_Haru shrugged. That was true, though generally, he didn’t watch porn because it only made him frustrated, and not in the way porn was supposed to make him feel. The girls were too gaudy, and the guys were usually okay looking, but that was it. Never anything to get excited over._

_“I’m...uh, I’m going to take a bath, okay, Haru? I’m staying over, right?”_

_Makoto practically sprinted out of the room before Haru could even respond, and the switch clicked immediately. The sick that Haru felt wasn’t something he could describe, but it happened so often recently that he had to find the words somehow. The closest he could come was a pit or a knot, getting bigger and bigger by the day._

_He’d been counting on Makoto being the same because Makoto would be able to understand._

 

“What was that, Haru?” Makoto called from behind him. Haru didn’t want to turn. His arm would be around her waist or they’d be holding hands, and that expression would still be on their faces.

He didn’t get it, and he never would, so Haru just walked faster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, the time is jumping all over a bit. It's just doing a loop back to the present. As always, thanks for reading.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to the present. A talk with Rin.

“You almost never call me willingly, and even if I ask to meet up with you, you never really want to, so what’s up?” Rin asked between sips of his drink. He had been mostly silent so far, confused that Haru had wanted to hang out, and also that Haru hadn’t said one thing since they had met up. 

But his face wasn’t clear; Haru looked like a storm was raging in his head, and Rin just didn’t know how to approach the subject.

“I…So…” Haru started, picking absently at his fingers. Rin noticed they were red, and the nails were torn short. “You and Nitori…”

Rin waited, but Haru let the sentence die. “Me and Ai...Are dating? Are fine?”

“Have sex?”

“What?” Rin sputtered, spraying soda halfway across the table. “Yeah, so?”

Haru shook his head. "It's nothing."

"It's obvioiusly not."

For the first time that day, Haru actually looked up at Rin, surprised that he wasn't hiding his feelings as good as usual, and for the first time that day, Rin saw just how dark the circles beneath Haru's eyes were and just how freaked he looked.

"Let's go for a swim."

 

On the roof of Rin's apartment, there was a pool that was seldem used by anyone but Rin himself. It was dark and creepy and kind of chilly at all hours of the day, so even Nitori stayed away, but Rin loved it. It was calm, and clean, and that was all he cared about.

Haru dove in as soon as he saw the water. Rin had let him borrow a swimsuit and watched him for a few moments to see that it fit right, so he knew that with whatever was going on, Haru was still taking care of himself. 

They swam for almost an hour, just back and forth, starting a few lazy races, but neither cared about the outcome. When Rin started to get cold, he sat on the side with a towel around his shoulders, haging his feet into the water. Haru still swam strong, and Rin guessed he hadn't had a good swim in a while.

“Haru...” Rin started. His friend was now just floating on his back, and though it was a warm afternoon, he’d get cold pretty quickly in the water if he wasn’t swimming. “you’ll get sick.”

“Makoto asked me out,” Haru said so quietly that Rin wasn’t sure he heard correctly at first. “Yesterday.”

There was something about the way Haru said it, and the way Haru had been acting that told Rin this was the problem. “About time. You two dating now?” He asked, though he had a feeling of the answer already.

Haru sank under the water a moment, reappearing at the edge of the pool next to Rin. With a bit more effort than usual, he pulled himself out, grabbed a towel, and draped it over his shoulders. “I told him we couldn’t.”

“You don’t like him like that?”

“I’m in love with him.”

“Then what’s wrong?” Rin asked, and then remembered what Haru had said earlier. “Is it because you haven’t had sex before? Do you really think Makoto would care about that?”

Rin watched Haru just shake his head and stare at the water.

“Alright, so if it’s not that…”

“He might care if I never want to,” Haru said, cutting Rin off. His eyes went wide, like he himself was surprised at what he was saying, and then his mouth clamped shut. Rin had finally gotten it out, but Haru was already starting to close himself in again.

“Don’t want to what, have sex?” Rin didn’t wait for an answer. “Did you tell him you don’t want to? Of course not.” Rin tapped his fingers on the edge of the pool. It was getting darker and cooler, and he was itching to get inside. “Well, is there any reason why?”

Haru opened and closed his mouth a few times, and Rin waited. He could feel it coming, like a big wave about to his shore. This was something important, and he needed to let Haru know it was okay. Whatever would come out of his mouth, it was fine, and he’d have a friend to help.

“I don’t…I don’t see people like that,” Haru said finally. “I’m in love with Makoto, but not sexually.” Each word was followed by a marked pause, like Haru was choosing his words carefully. “And I just don’t really want to have sex. Ever.”

“And you’ve always felt like this?”

“Since I’ve known what sex is, yeah. I thought it was normal, and then I thought Makoto was like me, too, but…” Haru trailed off. “I don’t want to do that to him.”

Rin nodded. It must have been hard keeping that all to himself for so long, and even harder to finally admit it, but he still needed to tell the person who mattered most. “I think you need to talk to him, and tell him what you just told me. As much as you want him to automatically understand you all the time, if he doesn’t, you really need to let him know. I really don't think this is worth losing him over.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru admits something he's not quite ready to.

“Haru, why don’t you go out to lunch with me and Makoto on Sunday? My friend will be coming with.” Kaya was standing over Haru, who had just finished his lunch in the classroom. Since she had begun eating lunch with them a few days prior, Haru had made it a point to make any excuse possible to escape.

“How’d your practice go?” Makoto asked, walking up to his desk. His excuse that day had been that his teacher had made him stay to study for a test.

“Fine.” Haru turned to stare out the window.

But he could still feel them standing there. “So lunch?” This time it was Makoto, and he at least deserved a response.

“Don’t want to.”

And then he could feel the disappointment. “But Haru, it’s been so long since we’ve gone anywhere together. It’s just lunch.”

Haru would have agreed in an instant if it was just going to be them, but with Kaya and whoever Kaya’s friend was, it didn’t count, and Makoto obviously wasn’t getting it. Still… “Fine.”

Kaya's friend was almost just like she was. Too peppy, too loud, and too into Haru's space.

"So you're on the swim team?" She asked, leaning in close. Haru's mouth was firmly clamped around the straw of his drink, and he refused to to do anything other than nod or shake his head. So he nodded. 

And she nodded. 

"What else do you like to do?"

Haru said nothing, concentrating hard on the little advertisement under the plastic on the table. By then, he had read it countless times, and they'd only been there about twenty minutes. 

So Makoto spoke for him. "Haru likes horror movies and going to the beach. He's also pretty into drawing, right?"

Haru nodded.

"Maybe we could go see a movie together after this?" The girl asked.

Obviously, Haru had seen this coming, but he had hoped he'd be able to throw her off with his rude demeanor. He forgot to account for Makoto answering the questions and making excuses for him. 

"Can't today. Thanks for lunch." Haru said simply, standing up and walking towards the door. He wasn't followed, not even by Makoto, and he didn't feel as satisfied as he thought he would.

 

The girl wouldn't leave him alone. All week she followed him around the school, even taking it as far as to walk with them to school and back home, meeting with Haru and Makoto where Kaya did. She ate lunch with them, too, and Haru had used up his excuses to eat in the classroom so there really wasn't any escape.

"Haruka, would you like to try some of my lunch? I made it-"

"I have my own."

"How about we go to the beach after school?"

"I have to study."

"I could help?"

Haru got up, set his bento on the ground, and once again, just left.

He was still floating on the pool when the rest of the team came out of the lockers for practice. Makoto, for once, was alone, but he also wasn't wearing his bathing suit. 

"Haru, I need to talk to you," Makoto said. He was crouched near the edge of the pool.

Haru's reply was to swim to the opposite side.

"Come on," Makoto called. "You've been out here three hours already. Just take a little break?"

Reluctantly, he swam over. "I'm not getting out."

"Fine, fine," Makoto said, smiling in that way he did, before looking more serious. "It's just, Akiko really likes you, so why don't you go hang out with her sometime? We're going to my house tonight. You should come with."

"I don't want a girlfriend," Haru said.

Makoto looked at Haru like that thought hadn't occurred to him. "But she's really-"

"I don't want a girlfriend," he repeated, this time bracing himself for what he knew he'd have to say next. It wasn't the whole truth, because he wasn't yet able to admit that to even himself, but it would be a start and would hopefully get Makoto, and the girl, off of his back. 

"I think if you give her a chance-"

"Makoto, I like guys," Haru cut Makoto off, and though his heart was racing, he managed to make his voice steady and calm, as it always was. 

Haru watched Makoto's face turn red as he realized what had just been said. "Oh," he said finally. Haru's heart was still pounding, waiting for any bad reaction, but Makoto just smiled. "Then I'm sorry we put you through this. I'll just tell her you're not interested."

He agreed, and watched Makoto get up and leave. Makoto thought if they both had girlfriends, they could all hang out together. It no longer worked with only the two of them, and it had never worked with Kaya in the picture.

His heart hurt, Haru realized, floating on his back once again. It hurt to be so close, and hurt even more to be moving apart so quickly.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Present. Rin puts up with a lot.

A loud noise jolted Rin from his sleep and he instantly grabbed for his phone, answering before the shrill ring could wake Nitori.

"What? Do you know what time it is?" He scolded softly, walking into the living room.

"Makoto isn't answering."

"He's probably asleep."

"He's not. The first time he didn't realize it was me and answered. Now he won't pick up."

Rin groaned. "Do you have to do this now?" Rin asked and didn't get an answer. "I'll see what I can do," he said before hanging up and dialing another familiar number.

It only took two rings.

"Haru wants to talk to you. Said you weren't picking up." Rin rubbed his eyes as he talked into the phone. It really was too late to be dealing with this.

There was a too-long pause. "Oh, I didn't see his calls."

"Makoto, we both know that's bullshit, so just call him back, please?"

"I really don't want to talk to him right now."

Rin sighed. "Look, I know what happened. He wants to talk to you about it more."

"What's there to talk about?"

"If you'd return Haru's calls, you'd find out."

An even bigger sigh came from Makoto. "I just don't understand him anymore. It's been years since we've been really close, but still, I thought I could see it. I mean, he still chose to go to the same college, and though he didn't want to room with me, he still came over enough, and when he looked at me, I thought I saw it. But maybe I just took too long."

Nitori called Rin softly from the bedroom. He had practice in the morning, and the bed was so warm. "You know who you should be telling all of that to?"

"...Haru."

"Right, so go call him. If you two would just sit down and talk it out, I'm completely sure you'll be back on the right path again."

"Alright, thanks Rin."


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The past. The truth is the hardest to speak.

The breakup was bad. Not explosive; there was no yelling, no slamming of doors, no crying, but it was hard on everyone.

It was just, one day Kaya was there, the next she was replaced by a sad smile and dark bags under Makoto's eyes.

"She's going abroad," Makoto explained without any prompting from Haru. "She wanted to try long distance, but I..." He smiled the worst kind of smile, the one that didn't reach his eyes and instead made them darker, and Haru knew that even with her gone, things wouldn't go back to normal.

They walked home alone together for the first time in months, but Haru had grown so used to the silence that he still couldn't bring himself to say anything. Couldn't even bring himself to comfort his friend. 

"I know you didn't like her," Makoto said suddenly. He had fallen behind Haru, and it took a moment for him to realize his friend was speaking. "I know that. And I know I must have put you through a lot, and I know right now you're trying your best, but thank you for still being here for me." 

"I'm sorry." It was all Haru could say, and it felt right considering that he hadn't really been there in a long time. 

Haru still heard Makoto's footsteps trailing behind, but he didn't notice when Makoto left for his own house without a goodbye.

 

~~~~~  
Haru had told himself he wouldn't be going to the same college as Makoto. He had been preparing himself, and with everything that had happened, was actually sort of looking forward to the distance. 

But in some extremely cruel twist of fate, Haru and Makoto both received a full ride scholarship from the same school. Haru for swimming, and Makoto for his grades.

He didn't have to go there. There was money set aside for his college, and really, he could have gone anywhere he wanted, but it had an excellent design program, and it wasn't too big or too far, and the olympic sized pool didn't hurt, either. And maybe, Haru thought, this was the cruel fate's way of telling him that he and Makoto could have another chance. 

Makoto was overjoyed. 

"I thought you were dead set on Kyoto?"

Haru shrugged. "I changed my mind." He sighed. "But we're not rooming together," he said too quickly, and the shock in Makoto's face was almost enough to break him. He had to be strong about this. "It'll be better. We both need some space."

Haru had never asked for so much, and Makoto, as always, accepted the arrangement without resistance. "If that's what Haru wants," he said with a smile. Haru would have rather he objected, demanded an explanation. Anything.

“It is.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The past.
> 
> He tried it. 
> 
> It was messy, and sticky, and hot and uncomfortable and boring and basically everything Haru always thought it would be.
> 
> Which is to say, he absolutely hated it.

He tried it. 

It was messy, and sticky, and hot and uncomfortable and boring and basically everything Haru always thought it would be.

Which is to say, he absolutely hated it.

It. Sex. 

He hated even saying it, because it was what had made his made his life so difficult so far.

The other party was no one important at first. Nao, a guy Haru met on the swim team, but he was good looking by Haru's standards. They started hanging out, and then they started making out, and then when things started moving past that, Haru decided he'd give it a go. Maybe everything he thought was actually wrong. Maybe he’d still like it. 

It had only been a few minutes before Haru told him to stop.

"I'm sorry." They lay in bed, against each other, because Haru was okay with that. Nao was trying to be gentle.

"No, its fine. You told me you probably wouldn't be too into it, and you weren't, so." He shrugged. "I just hope it wasn't me."

Haru shook his head. “Nothing to do with you.”

Nao was tracing the muscles in Haru’s back, and it felt nice. He was comfortable, and Nao understood, and it had been so easy. There was no reason in the world why he couldn’t do the same with Makoto.

Not that they would be laying in bed like this.

Haru still went out with Nao for a while, though, because they liked each other's company, but Haru knew he had to be ready to let go at any time. He couldn't hold Nao down like that. Still, he was sort of glad that he finally found someone he could be himself around, but he was more than sort of frustrated that person wasn't Makoto.

Makoto noticed when Haru stopped coming to his dorm to hang out. His roommate was never there, and Haru didn't really like his own, so even though Haru was the one who wanted the distance, he still was over at Makoto's dorm a lot of the time. And then he just stopped.

"Haru, are you finally getting along with your roommate?" Makoto asked when he finally stopped by. 

"No," Haru said. "I have a boyfriend."

He stopped writing and looked at the other boy. “Really?”

Haru shrugged. The word felt foreign on Haru’s lips. They hadn’t actually put a label on it, because neither really knew what it was, but he almost felt like he had something to prove to Makoto, like at least he was trying.

But it was weird admitting, to Makoto and himself, that there was someone closer. Someone that knew something about Haru that Makoto didn’t. “On the swim team?” Makoto asked, interrupting Haru’s thoughts.

Haru nodded.

“Well that’s good,” Makoto said. Haru wouldn’t look at him. “You should bring him by so I can meet him.”

Again, Haru nodded, though he knew that wasn't going to happen. Nao was part of the increasing number of things that Haru just couldn't let Makoto truely know about. Plus, when they did break up, Haru didn't want the added sympathy that would come from Makoto knowing what a great guy Nao was. The less he knew, the better.

They dated for three months after that, but the last month was tough. Haru could feel it coming to an end. 

"Haru..." Nao began one day, and Haru didn't even need to hear the rest. 

"Okay," he said, and Nao looked at him, startled. Haru looked too calm.

He cleared his throat. "I...I want to break up," he said, expecting some sort of other reaction.

He didn't get it. "I said okay." And when Nao looked at Haru like maybe there was soemthing wrong with him, Haru shrugged. "I've been...prepared for this."

Nao nodded. "I'd still like to be friends, though. You've taught me a lot, Haru, and you still mean a lot to me."

Then why? Haru asked himself, but the answer was easy. Though he concealed it well, Haru's heart was burning. Nao had taught him a lot, too. That it was possible for someone to understand. That it was possible to be in a happy relationship, at least for a while, and that had escalated to Nao meaning more to Haru than he ever thought. "Yeah," he said, though he wasn't sure if he'd be able to take that. 

Haru went directly to Makoto's dorm and lay down on his bed while Makoto typed away at his desk. 

"You okay, Haru?"

"Tired."

Makoto laughed. "I'm almost done with my paper. We should go get dinner someplace. It's been a while since we've gone out anywhere, right?"

Haru nodded.

"You should invite your boyfriend; I still haven't met him."

"We broke up."

The smile fell instantly from Makoto's face. "Oh. When?"

"Last month." The lie instantly left a sour taste in his mouth, but Haru wouldn't have been able to handle anything else. 

"You never told me."

It wasn't your business, Haru wanted to say, but he was proud of himself for holding his tongue. "Wasn't a big deal."

"Well, okay." Makoto's smile returned. "As long as you're fine."

"I am," Haru said, that lie stinging worse than the first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter after this! (unless I decide to write another?-either way, almost at the end!) Thanks for reading this far!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Present. Haru and Makoto have a much needed talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this was a rough one to write. Sorry it took so long, but please enjoy!

Makoto rang the buzzer nearly half an hour after he said he'd be there, though he had shown up five minutes early. Haru had watched from his window as Makoto paced back and forth outside of his apartment building for all of that time. 

"Sorry," Makoto said, stepping through the door. "I overslept."

"Sure."

"What did you want to talk about?"

Haru shrugged and walked farther into the apartment. Makoto still had his shoes on and was perfectly content to stand in the entryway and talk, but Haru wasn't giving him a choice. 

They ended up sitting across from each other at the kitchen table, tea and snacks in front of them, before Haru said anything else. Makoto had tried a few times to make small talk, but he hadn't even earned a nod in response. Haru could see the worry on Makoto's face, and if things hadn't changed as much as it felt like they had, Haru was sure that Makoto could see just how exhausted he was. 

All there was left to do was spit it out. At this point, Haru didn't know if their friendship could ever be repaired to where it had been years ago, and he didn't know if he even wanted it to be repaired. But if he could get Makoto to understand. If they could just talk it out, it would at least be a start.

Haru didn't notice Makoto studying him, taking in all of the changes from the boy he once knew.

"Please tell me what's wrong, Haru."

His neck snapped back to look at Makoto so fast that he thought he'd injured himself. He hadn't slept the previous night because he was preparing what to say, how to answer every question...not once in any of Haru's scenarios had Makoto spoken first. Not once had he asked flat out what was wrong. 

Haru didn't know how to answer, choosing instead to stare incredulously. 

"I'm...I'm so, so sorry for not noticing sooner. I've been selfish. It's been a long time since I've been in sync with you, hasn't it?"

"Bit late for apologies," Haru said, regretting it immediately as he saw the sting on Makoto's face. But it was true. Makoto should have noticed years ago, and they should have talked about it years ago. 

Maybe that was unfair.

"Yeah, it's late." Makoto chose to fiddle with his hands rather than look at Haru. "But I still want to understand. Whether or not you love me, I love you," he said, struggling with the word both times. "And I want to know what's wrong. When did this start?"

Haru didn't even know exactly. The video, probably, but that wasn't Makoto's fault. They couldn't have talked about it then. "When you and Kana started dating."

"Me and...Haru, that was four years ago."

"That was when you stopped."

"Stopped what?"

He took a drink of tea, throat suddenly dry, and he hadn't even gotten to what this conversation was supposed to be about yet. "You stopped understanding me, Makoto." He leaned back in his chair. “But I think,” Haru sighed. He had come to a conclusion. He knew it was right. But it was so hard to admit. “I stopped understanding you, too.”

Makoto smiled, sad and hopeful and confused all at once. “Then let’s understand each other, Haru.”

Haru nodded, taking a few seconds to prepare himself. “I am in love with you. You were right.” Poor Makoto looked even more confused than before, but he stayed quiet as Haru opened his mouth again. “But it won’t work.”

“Why not?”

“I’m asexual,” Haru said. He didn’t think he’d ever actually said it out loud, only explained the concept, like he had to Rin and Nao, mostly because he never expected anyone to know what it was. As he thought, Makoto just continued to look confused, silently repeating the word. Haru winced. “Simply put, I love you romantically, but not sexually, and I don’t want to have sex with you. Ever,” he said, no longer watching Makoto’s reaction. It wasn’t simple. This was so much of who he was, so much of what had caused him trouble for so long. Haru hated reducing it like that.

When Makoto didn’t seem any closer to words than he was before, Haru excused himself to make another pot of tea. 

With his back turned, he spoke again. “We’re different. It just...I don’t think it can work. For a while maybe, but not how we want it to. Not forever.” It felt weird, for once, he had the words while Makoto sat as silent as he usually did. But he had to get it out.

“We can’t even try?” Makoto’s voice broke as he pleaded quietly, and Haru prepared the tea even slower so he wouldn’t have to turn around. “It would be worth it. It would be worth it for you. I love you, Haru, and we can make it work.”

It was bothersome that Makoto hadn’t acknowledged the most important part of what Haru had said. “How?”

“How?”

“How can it work?”

“Well if we both want it to…” Haru finally returned to the table, and Makoto had his head in his hands. “We can do it.”

Haru shook his head. “You still don’t...look at me, Makoto.”

They met each other’s eyes.

“This can’t be an experiment to you,” Haru started. Makoto tried to cut him off after that, but Haru kept going. “You know I had a boyfriend before. He knew and understood, and we really cared about each other, but it just couldn’t last. I feel the same about   
you, especially since you haven’t said anything about the main issue.”

“So what if we don’t…” Makoto blushed up to his ears. “A relationship isn’t all about that.”

At least Makoto understood that much. “But what if you decide you do need that? I don’t think I could handle you breaking up with me.” It would hurt like hell from anyone else, as he had experienced with Nao, but the possibility of Makoto breaking up with him for the same reason was, quite literally, Haru’s worst nightmare.

He’d had dreams where he was in a relationship with Makoto, and it was all going well. All of the sudden, the scene would turn dark, and Makoto would leave with the same explanation every time. “It’s just too much. This isn’t what I wanted.” Though Haru knew Makoto would never, ever say something like that to him, the reality probably wouldn’t be too different.

“We wouldn’t be able to go back to being friends, Makoto,” Haru admitted finally to the both of them. He knew that was the largest chain holding him back, but it felt more strange to say out loud than his asexuality. Haru and Makoto not friends? 

Makoto looked as stunned as Haru felt. “That’s...a bit harsh, isn’t it?”

"Yeah. It is. But you don't...you don't know- you'll never know- how it's been for me these past few years. I've been hurt and confused and...and lonely, Makoto" He tipped his head back, looking at the ceiling and willing himself to not get any more worked up.   
"When I figured you weren't the same as me, I felt completely alone. If it were anyone but you..."

When his gaze returned to Makoto, he saw the other man smiling, that awful smile. Haru hated to be the one to cause it. "It kills me that I hurt you, you know. I wish I could go back, figure out my feelings a little sooner, talk to you more. I noticed you were more distant, but, I don't know, I guess I felt I lost the right to be there for you when you didn't come to me." He took a long drink of tea. "I wish there was some way to convince you that I'd never hurt you on purpose."

"That's the other problem."

"Huh?"

"I know you’d never say anything. You're going to end up unhappy and then you'll feel stuck. I can't do that to you.”

“I could never be unhappy with you. You’re worth everything to me.” The way Makoto was looking at him made Haru want to look away. He was so sincere that it hurt. The only possible reason was because he still didn’t understand. 

Or maybe Makoto could get it. Makoto had never been the same as Haru, being louder, or not as fond of water, or having a vastly different idea of what a good breakfast was, but he had always been capable of understanding. Understanding, accepting, and, most importantly, being the one to talk to Haru, and pull him out of the pool, and eat the mackerel he made, Makoto was extremely good at dealing with their differences.

Probably more so than Haru was.

“I want you to talk to me again. Let’s learn everything about each other again, Haru. We can start all over.”

Haru wanted to disappear, not talk more. He put his head in his hands and shook his head. Everything he thought he had decided on was slowly falling to pieces. All of the walls he had built, all he had prepared himself for was ruined. He didn’t want Makoto to hurt himself, but Makoto had said he was prepared for that, and he didn’t want to get hurt again.

But maybe Makoto was worth it, too. 

“I’ll leave you for a while. You look exhausted,” Makoto said. Haru raised his head to see a much better smile on the other man’s face. “Um, please sleep, and think about...all of this again if you want. Maybe call me later?” He stood, and Haru started to walk him out, but Makoto waved his hand. “Please, I’ve troubled you enough. I can see myself out. Thanks for calling, by the way. I was being stubborn, but I’m glad we had this talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's going to be one more chapter, and it should be out pretty soon. Thanks to everyone who read so far and left kudos or a comment! This fic really does mean a lot to me, and I'm really happy with this chapter, especially. It was just a roller coaster to write.  
> (Also, I take prompts for oneshots. If you want anything written, I'm on tumblr as glowtestkraken or ask-makotoharu)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's scary, but maybe they can make it work.

Makoto didn’t try to contact Haru at all after that, which Haru was thankful for. Knowing Makoto, he probably wanted to call and make sure Haru was doing okay after all of that serious talk. Makoto hadn’t changed too much, after all.

Rin, however, had been texting and calling almost non-stop. Haru had looked at all of the texts, but had responded to none of them.

\--Haru, how’d it go? Is everything okay?--

\--Makoto says it’s your business to share, but that you looked exhausted. He said it would be best for him to leave you alone right now, though.--

\--I can tell you’re reading these? Come on, Haru.--

\--I know it’s not my business. I don’t really care what happened, I just want to know if you’re okay.--

\--It’s been three days. Please, Haru? That’s a yes or no question. I don’t even need the full word. You okay? y/n?--

Haru pressed “y” before sending the message, realizing that Rin would eventually just show up if he ignored him too long. He had a lot of thinking to do, and had so far done none of it, preferring instead to drown his brain in mindless television. Every time Haru’s mind wandered to Makoto, he felt like he had when they had talked.. Exhausted.

Rin showed up anyway about half an hour later, holding up two containers of takeout as Haru opened the door. “I doubt you’ve had a good meal lately.”

“This is good?” Haru said, relieving Rin of one of the containers and opening it on his way to the kitchen. It was nothing he would have normally eaten, but he still appreciated the sentiment. 

They ate silently, with Haru’s mind chanting “please don’t say anything” over and over the entire time, but Rin liked to talk and loved to know people’s business, so he knew it was only a matter of time. 

The stare-down was the first sign. Rin put his chopsticks down, put his head in his hand and stared, opening and closing his mouth like a goldfish every few seconds. 

Haru wasn’t in the mood. “What?”

Rin jolted in his seat, like he hadn’t realized what he was doing, and shrugged. “I won’t get involved if you don’t want me to, but it might help for you to think out loud?”

“Makoto told you everything, didn’t he.”

“Just that you have a lot on your plate. He really doesn’t want to bother you anymore. At least not until you’ve had some time--"

Haru finished the last few bites of his lunch. “Rin.”

Rin sighed. “Yeah. I pried it out of him, though,” Rin said, running a hand through his hair. “But he’s just worried about you. And since I told him I already knew... about you, he wanted my opinion, too.”

“And?”

“I don’t know,” he said, standing suddenly. “Let’s go for a swim.”

The beach nearest Haru’s apartment wasn’t the cleanest, nor was it really warm enough to swim, but they swam anyway. Or Haru did. Rin only lasted a few minutes in the frigid waters before wanting out, so he sat on the shore, towel around his shoulders, and watched Haru. He still looked shaken, but definitely better than he had the last time they talked. 

Haru stopped on his own this time, trudging into the shallows after half an hour with his arms wrapped around himself. Rin handed him a towel as he sat down. “Better?” he asked.

Haru shrugged.

“Get anything figured out?”

Again, Haru shrugged, but his expression told Rin there was more coming. “I think I want to try…I know he gets it.”

“I’m feeling a ‘but’ there,” Rin said. 

Haru was sifting sand through his fingers, and Rin swore if he shrugged again, he was going to rip Haru’s shoulders clean off. But haru didn’t do anything other than continue to sift the sand. Rin gave him time, watching the waves lap onto the shore and the birds diving into the water.

“I’m scared.” It had been so small, that Rin almost thought it was just the wind, but he looked at Haru and Haru was looking back at him with the most pained expression. “Rin, I’m so scared.”

Rin had never heard Haru sound so desperate. He didn’t quite know what to say, so he rambled. “It’s okay. It’s going to be strange for a bit, just because it’s been a while since you two have been that close. Just...it’s fine to be scared. Make sure you tell him, though, and talk about it. You can’t stay quiet, Haru. That doesn’t work.”

Haru nodded slowly, returning his gaze to the sand.

“I won’t tell you it’s all going to be great,” Rin said, and cleared his throat. He felt like he did when he gave Gou the dating talk. “All relationships require a lot of effort to stay strong, even mine and Ai’s, and sometimes they still fall apart. But you two have to put in extra, especially in the beginning, because of what’s gone down. Makoto’s had relationships before and you haven’t so-”

“I have.”

Rin raised an eyebrow, his mouth still open. “Well then. Just make sure to communicate, and you know you can always come to me for help and stuff,” he said, lowering his voice and blushing a little at the last part. Haru finally smiled just enough for Rin to know he would be fine.

Haru made the call as soon as Rin left him. He’d never felt so nervous, and it took what felt like a million years to get Makoto’s number up on the screen of his phone, and actually clicking on it took a million more. 

Makoto picked up on the first ring. “Haru? Is everything okay?”

“Makoto. I...um...can you come over?”

“Yeah, I can be there in an hour or so, is that fine?” 

“Yeah. See you.”

He had sounded distressed, Haru realized, and though he probably should have said something about why Makoto needed to come over. Off to a great start with communication, for sure.

 

This time, Makoto only paced for five minutes before ringing Haru’s buzzer. Haru took a little longer to open the door. He had taken a bath, slicked back his hair, messed it up again, and changed clothes five times, arriving at his window seconds before Makoto showed up. He waited an extra few seconds to get the door, to make it seem like he hadn’t been sitting right there.

They didn’t speak until after Makoto had taken off his shoes and entered the apartment. 

“Tea?” Haru asked, already heading into the kitchen. Makoto grabbed his arm. 

“Could you just…” He paused and let go with an uneasy smile. “Sorry, but if you’re going to let me down could you just do it? I was kind of expecting you to just say it over the phone.”

Haru shrugged. He was so much more comfortable at the table, protected behind his cup of tea. Standing up and having this talk didn’t feel right. “Makoto, let’s sit down and talk. Have some tea.” He was trying to project some more positive feelings, but he felt he wasn’t coming off that way at all. By the look on Makoto’s face, he was right.

“Haru…”

“Makoto, please.”

He nodded hesitantly, mostly because Haru pleading for anything was rare, and he still couldn’t say no after all this time. It wasn’t a big deal, anyway, just a little uncomfortable. It would be uncomfortable either way.

 

The air was thick around them as Haru stood at the counter making tea. He kept hearing Makoto’s breathing quicken, and his fingers would stop tapping every so often. Each time, he would expect Makoto to begin the conversation, but he never did. So Haru decided to.

“I’m sorry for dragging this out. I’m just...you know. Not the best at communicating,” Haru said, putting a steaming cup of tea in front of Makoto before sitting down with his own.

“Yeah.” Makoto smiled. “I know.”

Haru nodded. “So I guess I’ll just have to get better at it.”

Makoto shrugged. “Well, yeah, if you’re going to try and get a job or something--”

“I’ll have to get better,” Haru interrupted, “so we can have a good relationship.”

Haru waited the precious second before Makoto understood with a mixture of nerves and relief, but as soon as Makoto smiled--a real smile, one Haru hadn’t seen in a very long time--the relief washed away everything else. “You’re serious?”

“Of course. But we need to get to know each other again. And we have to listen to each other.”

Makoto nodded. “Yeah, definitely. We’ve missed a lot, haven’t we? I’m...I’m really excited to get to know you again, Haru.”

“I’m kind of scared, actually. And this is going to be so weird.”

“We can do it,” Makoto said, slowly wrapping his fingers around Haru’s hand, giving him time and space to move away if needed. “We’ll talk it out, and we'll make it work, yeah?”

Haru squeezed back, fully intertwining Makoto’s fingers with his own. Even only this much intimacy was almost overwhelming, at least for now, but they’d talk about boundaries. They’d take everything slow. There was absolutely no rush. In fact, time seemed to stop as they began to talk, each taking turns about various things that had happened over the years, and leaving almost nothing out.

Already, Haru saw himself picking up the pieces of himself that had broken down. It would take a while to rebuild, but so long as Makoto continued to understand--which would hopefully be forever--Haru could carry on without many of the things he’d had to worry about in the past, and it was a wonderful feeling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry about the ending i'm bad at endings
> 
> but this fic has been wonderful to write. if you've read it, thank you so much. i really do want to write more asexual haru (and maybe makoto?) in the future because asexual representation is fantastic, but it probably won't in this same universe
> 
> (i have a ton of other things to write first, though...that angel/demon makorin and a reigisa in terms of chaptered things... plus my millions of oneshot ideas)
> 
> again thanks so much for reading! i appreciate your thoughts in comments so much, and kudos are greatly appreciated, too. i'm also always taking drabble/oneshot prompts over at my tumblr: ask-makotoharu.tumblr.com

**Author's Note:**

> Written with help from my own thoughts and experiences. Thanks for reading, and this is a chaptered fic I intend to keep up in short little bursts. Comments, constructive criticism and kudos are greatly appreciated.


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